In every relationship there is a physical and an emotional side. In general, men tend to gravitate toward the physical side of relationships while women tend to crave the emotional side. Of course there are exceptions and usually both men and women want both the physical and emotional sides of the relationship; however, for our purposes, we will continue with this generalization. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there is a large emphasis on waiting until after marriage for sexual relations. Therefore, in the case of physical, there is a clear and obvious line drawn. What about the emotional? Is there anything that 4’s and 5’s can’t do emotionally that 6’s can? Not at all. In the case of emotional, there are no clear set boundaries set by the church or by society. In high school, this gap between expectations made for many messy breakups. When a high school couple decided to be 4’s, usually the emotional expectation went to 6 while the physical had to stay below 6 to stay in good standing in the church. Because of this, usually the girl in the relationship had a husband emotionally, while the boy could not have a wife physically. Being at 6 emotionally turned every break up into what felt like a divorce emotionally. High school relationships usually had one of two outcomes: either the gap broke them apart or they ended up sinning. Very few of the 4’s in high school ever went back to 3’s after breaking up. Often they even became enemies after the relationship ended. How can we navigate this difference in desires and gap of expectations as we date?
It is first important to realize that God is fully aware of these issues. In high school, God was trying to get us to see the purpose of dating before 4. Before 4, the purpose of dating is not romance, physical, or emotional connection—it is friendship. This brings us to Pitfall #1: Not dating for friendship first. The best way to avoid these messy breakups and unfulfilled desires is to lower the expectations. In high school this means not crossing the line from 3 to 4. Learning the principle of dating for friendship is one of the big underlying reasons that church leaders recommend not to steady date in high school. Just because we are out of high school does not meant that we suddenly have no more need for friendship dating. Far too many people, when they go on a date with a 1, 2, or 3 are looking for the romance. Sometimes people are even trying to find out if their date is their 6! A date with a 2 where you try to determine if they are a 6 will be incredibly awkward. A deep friendship is absolutely necessary as a foundation before a romantic relationship can fully blossom. This can be tough for a lot of people because ultimately they are looking for a 6. To get a 6, you have to start by increasing your 1’s, which will increase your 2’s, which will increase your 3’s, which will increase your 4’s, which will eventually lead to a 5 and then a 6. So, when you go on a date with a 2, the purpose is to become 3’s. To accomplish this, plan the date to be a fun activity you would go on with any one of your friends. We will look more deeply into how to properly plan a date at each level with Pitfall #4, but for now the goal is to see that friendship is the most important basis for every romantic relationship. If we did not learn how to date for friendship in high school, then we must do so now! We can draw this lesson into our current dating lives by learning how to purposely date with the goal to build deep friendships with people around us. This often means we must mentally put 4-6 off the table completely for a while to focus on building our friendships.
This pitfall is also the underlying reason so many people get frustrated with dating apps. In the lives of those around me, I have seen many be frustrated because dating apps are so based on looks. Others are frustrated because they swipe through so many people and no one really catches their eye. I wonder how the attraction would change if those on dating apps were actually put in a real-life social situation together. I have had the experience where I think someone is physically attractive then they start talking or I see their behavior and the attraction is gone almost immediately. I have also had the experience where I would not have considered someone attractive because of their looks but then they start talking or I see their behavior and then I become interested. Dating apps are naturally designed to focus on the romance, not the friendship. People scroll through dating apps and try to decide if the person they are looking at is a potential eternal companion when they don’t know each other at all besides their short bio and picture on their profile. These frustrations are largely what inspired me to make Friendily. My goal is to promote dating for friendship so that more people can learn how to make friendships into a foundation to build successful relationships, and eventually find one that will lead to marriage.
How have you or someone you know accidentally fallen into this pitfall?
What does a friendship date look like? Try planning a date that is centered on a fun activity and where the goal is friendship rather than romance.
Already have an activity planned? Submit a friendship date activity here to get more people to come!