When we talk about inappropriate dating, we mean when the date does not match the relationship level—when a date with a 1 looks more like a date you would have with a 4. Inappropriately dating like this makes things awkward and puts pressure on the relationship. Many great people end up with one-and-done dates because of this pitfall. We are here going to go over what the purpose and the focus should be when on a date at each relationship level.
Level 1
Purpose: Build a friendship
Focus: On the activity/event
These dates are usually the blind dates or a date with a person you barely know. At this level, the purpose is to build a friendship. The focus should be on the activity or event. Conversation topics should stay on the interests and activities of each other. This is not the time to start checking boxes on whether or not they’re marriage material. At this stage, we don’t want to focus on the relationship because doing so will make it awkward. It is a good idea for these to be group dates because having more people makes it easier to just focus on the friendship, plus you get to know more 1’s at a time. If you’re like me, bringing a friend that you know as a part of the double couple also makes you feel more at ease on a first date.
Level 2
Purpose: Strengthen the friendship so it can become friendship dating
Focus: On the activity/event and on things you have in common
This should be the stage when you are doing fun activities and getting to know the person on a basic level. This is the time to get comfortable with each other. What do you have in common? What are their hobbies? Likes? Dislikes?
Level 3
Purpose: Deliberately friendship dating—find more things that you have in common to deepen your friendship
Focus: On the activity, but getting more to the heart of what drives you
Keep going on these friendship dates and looking for things you have in common. Talk to them more in depth and get comfortable with each other. Learn their sense of humor, what drives them, and other things about their personality type. Be sure that the purpose at this stage is clear to you both so that you are on the same page.
Level 3 to Level 4 transition
Purpose: Learn whether or not you are both ready to go to 4
Focus: Beginning to be more on the relationship
This stage is where you want to try providing an environment for the conversation about becoming 4’s to happen. Plan things that would reveal whether or not the other is interested. How you cross the line is usually physical – a kiss or some type of a connection. An invitation to see how they respond to more romance and less friendship. Learn how to read body language and visual queues. Different people manifest interest in different ways. What might mean “I’m interested” to someone might mean nothing to someone else and visa versa.
Level 4
Purpose: Putting you and your partner in positions to be checking boxes and looking for deal-breakers
Focus: On a specific deal breaker
This is not a phase to pretend to be married. It usually is fun and exciting at first but then gets into routine. Each date needs to have a purpose rather than the usual dinner and make out on the couch. Almost every date should answer whether or not your partner has a deal-breaker of yours. If you want to know how he is with children, plan a date where you babysit an infant so that you both learn this about each other. Plan dates that involve money on both the high and low end. Have a good idea of what your deal breakers are. Do hard manual labor together. Have a known purpose to every date. Plan a date that will reveal how you both feel about Christ. Without doing anything inappropriate you need to know where each others’ sexual appetites are. Plan dates that allow you to check those boxes.
Level 5
Purpose: Prepare for the merge
Focus: On an aspect of the merge
Time to plan the wedding. Who is going to cook? Who will pay the bills? Get a joint checking account. Put things in each other’s names. Practice the merge.
Level 6
Purpose: Renewal (friendship, romance, covenants, communication, etc.)
Focus: On the relationship
Just like how men need man time, and women need women time, your marriage needs together time. The marriage needs time to itself. This is why it is important to plan consistent dates.
Now that we have covered the pitfalls that mostly occur in relationship levels 1-3, we will get into the pitfalls that people fall into in stage 4, beginning with pitfall #5.