Pitfall #3 is all about going to 6 too soon. There is an obvious danger when you literally decide to get married to someone before you know you’re a match, but what about going to 6 in your head and in your heart before you know you’re a match? As an extreme example, Anna from Frozen got engaged to Hans the same day she met him. She believed that because it was “true love”, she and Hans were a match. Obviously, if you finished the movie you know that Hans was a terrible match for Anna, and marrying him would have cost Elsa’s life as well as her own. Watch as Anna completely misses the deal-breakers as she lets her heart jump to 6.
I don’t know anyone that has gotten engaged to someone the day they met, but how many times have you or someone you know been mentally married to someone before even becoming 2’s? 3’s? 4’s? We naturally jump to 6 mentally when we have a crush on someone. For example, young girls write their first name with the last name of the boy they are in love with, completely ignoring deal-breakers. Pitfall number 3 says that just because your are in love/attracted to/infatuated with someone, does not mean you are a match and should jump to 6 in your head/heart or literally. We tend to ignore deal-breakers when we are in love. This is why so many hearts get absolutely shattered when a deal-breaker is found. When we jump to 6 in our heads when we are really 1-4’s, then every time a crush doesn’t reciprocate feelings or we go through a break up, mentally it becomes a divorce because we were mentally married to them. There are many people that mentally jump to 6 a few times, find deal-breakers, go through a few mental divorces, then give up because of the emotional toll it has taken on them. We often set ourselves up for heartbreak, then become scared to try again. To overcome this, we need to find a way to keep our thoughts and our hearts at the level we are on. As we go from 1 to 4, we need to be open to the reality that you might not be a match. 4 is especially important as the experiment to find deal-breakers. We need to allow time for the infatuation to fade and the deal-breakers to manifest if there are any. Sometimes we tend to put moral judgement on ourselves or on the person we are dating when we find a deal-breaker. We must refrain from doing this. Just because you are not a match, does not mean there is anything wrong with you or the person you are dating. I have been on plenty of dates where they seem like a great person, but I just don’t think we are a match because of a deal-breaker of mine. If we can learn to keep our thoughts and hearts at the level we are on, then rejection and break-ups will not be as earth-shattering as they often are.
Relationships need time to develop. How did time affect Anna, Hans, and Kristoff? It showed them that Anna and Hans were not a match; Anna and Kristoff were. Had Anna initially given her relationship with Hans time, surely she would have found some red flags—not the least of which being her sister’s disapproval. We need to learn to see dating as a science experiment to look for deal-breakers. Both parties in the relationship should have the maturity to grant the other a “put me down” card that says “I grant you permission to break up with me if you find a deal-breaker and I will not hate or blame you for it”. This mindset can really lessen the trauma that often accompanies finding deal-breakers. When you jump to 6, you put pressure on your boyfriend/girlfriend and they might become afraid to tell you if they have found a deal-breaker in your relationship. We each must remember that just because we think it is a match, does not mean they do.
When you only have 2’s and 3’s, maybe consider setting an amount of time for which you will not think about 4 at all, just about friendship dating. Then, when you enter a 4 relationship, you might consider setting a specific amount of time, that you and your partner decide, where you will not talk, plan, or think about marriage at all. Then you need to commit to it. Have a purpose in your dating, one that you talk about openly with those you date. Assess yourself frequently when you date, watching your thoughts and your feelings very closely and keeping them at the level they should be. Turn to God, ask Him for eyes to see deal-breakers and a mind that will be clear of 6. We have a tendency to idealize the people that we are attracted to, so it is important to remember that they are still imperfect and human. Remember that there is only one person who will never let you down, and that is Jesus Christ. We will learn more about how we can implement the mindset of not letting our hearts jump to 6 with pitfall #4 where we will discuss what a date at each level looks like.
How are you going to keep your thoughts and heart from jumping to 6?